Monday, December 7, 2009
As I stood at the railway station watching him go, I knew I wouldn’t see him again. Was I sad? Maybe. But I was definitely being practical. You can’t be in love with someone you have known for barely a day. At least not the sort of love I wanted to be in. Yet it hurt, deep inside, a pain indefinable and illogical. And when he looked at me, his eyes filling up, I wanted badly to ask him to stay. But I knew I couldn’t. It just didn’t seem right.
I have always been an independent lot, walking away from sinfully tempting situations unscathed, with disappointment and hurt but never regretting a decision ever. Always wanting an easy uncomplicated life. But I had no idea this was going to different.
I never forgot him. I have often (at those vague uninspiring instances in life) wondered what it would have been like, if we had been together. Would a common love for books, movies and everything creative have been a reason enough to stick together? Is that all there is to love? He came across as one of those genuine people you rarely get to meet, people who leave their mark in one meeting. There was this aura about him which I loved, an aura that was pleasant and warm and put people to ease. Some charmer he was and the declarations of undying love were quite enticing. But I happen to be fairly level headed and so I saw nothing more in that meeting except for a momentary companionship, bordered on infatuation. But maybe there could have been more… He just became one of those million things, in a life cluttered with random people, things and thoughts, that I couldn’t erase but would never really be a part of my life.
Choices like these are not always hard to make, because you never really get deep enough in them to let it really affect you. But there are many other decisions in life that are extremely difficult to make. I have often found myself on that road where I had to choose between two equally important things in life. And often we may not be right in that choice. But it is important to stick through what you choose, till the very end, at least if it is not harming you in any manner. But of course, it is true you can never go back and correct things in life. You can only hope that you will get a similar chance in future and you will be able to make the right choice next time.
Coming back to my story, I did see him once many years later. My friend’s wedding. We saw each other, the unexpected encounter leaving us momentarily stunned and then quickly looked away. He had a girl on his arms. A very pretty girl. I choose to pretend otherwise but I was secretly jealous. I was surprised that I even remembered him, I mean I did, but I never thought I would recognize him after all these years and he did look so different. A mutual friend introduced us and we smiled courteously. There wasn’t a hint of ever meeting before, and I guess for good. I really don’t know how I would have reacted otherwise. I searched for him before leaving. He had already left. Maybe if there wasn’t that girl with him, I would have struck up a conversation, or maybe not. I‘ll never know.
Monday, August 17, 2009
She stood at the altar in deep thought. The priest’s voice boomed again in the church, now pregnant with its silence. ‘Do you promise?’
Could she trust anyone again?
Reflection from a cracked glass window shone on her face and she looked away blinking… distracted. Turning to the man who stood with her, she said ‘I do’. He smiled knowingly and the whole world fell into place.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Haven’t logged in for ages... no apologies people! Have been working my ass off!! Data marts is an inexplicably tiring job.
Well... not a great excuse. We all work don’t we? But of course nothings worth giving up this space for.
I have been writing though and quite a lot. Stuff which I’ll shed light on later. Also I’m working for our office newsletter and though I’m sure not a lot of people read it, even though we have counters in place which don’t give a sad number(majorly doubt the counter), a lot of content published is worth reading. If we didn’t have copyright issues I would have pasted them headlong here but sadly copyright very much exists! So if any of you office people are reading this space, get back and have a look at the archives.
Getting to the real deal, I guess things change when you get committed in life. For the better I secretly hope. I guess you are supposed to feel a certain stability in life when you are getting married. I mean that’s how I would like it. But I guess it is not happening for me. I feel pretty much directionless right now. He is a great guy but I figure I’m not great enough. I have known that for a long time now. I mean I have always been a very non- giving sort of person, but I guess that’s not the real problem. He is leaving the country and I’m supposed to follow later (after the marriage). But I’m not too keen to. I love here. I love this life and I’m entirely happy here. I do not want to be uprooted to another place. I would feel extremely insecure. But at the same time I do not want to be prejudiced about going to a new place... I mean what if I like it??! (which is next to impossible!!)
Four months back, though I was in an on and off relationship and pretty much clueless about my status, I had a direction. I knew where I was heading, not necessarily, at least I knew that I was here and I had things planned for the future. Like stuff in my to-learn list. There was this dance class I wanted to go to very badly (I promised a friend), but there is hardly any time now, and what can I possibly learn in 5 months… though I’m seriously going to give that a try. And I wanted to learn candle- making. I even checked out the class and the place, but couldn’t go. You know what I mean… you lose focus. Things you want to do take a backseat because there are tons of new things to do, which are far more important. And I’m not entirely sure that’s good.
But I have a plan! I’m going to get more focused and do the millions of pending stuff I’ve got to do before Feb 7(the D-day). Also I’m going to give the States a try… I can always come back if I don’t like the place. I’m going to keep that option open and plunge. Somehow knowing it is not the only alternative makes you more relaxed. That works for absolutely everything in life.
For all the kind hearted and patient friends who have been calling me and mailing me in spite of me being stubborn and nonresponsive, I love you people, it is just that when I’m in a mess I can’t let people in.
So guys I’ll get back to this space feeling more in control of my life. I promise!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Change, we know is the very flavor of life. With change we learn, we grow. A closed bud knows not the perils that future beholds. It is but necessary to open up, blossom and wither away. Then why should love be forever?
Haven’t you wondered is it possible for a Landon to love a Jamie with the fervor he did (A Walk to Remember)? Is there a kiss that bonds you forever, like the kiss between Noah and Allie (The Notebook)?
Often every relationship starts beautifully, the sort of love that ‘Mills and Boons’, movies and fairytales infuses us to believe will last forever. However that seldom happens in real life. Most first relationships don’t last, mostly because you are too young to be strapped down then and no one is then ready to realize how much one has to give to the relationship to make it work, more often they don’t take the effort to make it happen.
I’m not talking about virtual relationships, where one assumes to be in a relationship with another. I’m also not talking about two timing and all those other complex forms of relationships that exist between people. Those sorts are too hard to be dissected on this page now, maybe at a later time when my head is more muddled up than now, I’ll write about it.
I’m talking about a relationship where a man and a woman realize and are fully aware that there is something brewing and are mature enough to accept it and allow it to grow. The tide washes in when you expect it to live forever. But expectations cannot be put aside, nor can hope for an ‘ever after’, the sole thread which ties us to a sane life. It is intelligent however, to expect for an immediate tomorrow and not an ever after. Love doesn’t really have to be forever. And that is good because you shouldn’t cling on to something when it becomes meaningless.
Allow yourself to be painted red and white alternately and allow those drops of green, black and yellow to wash over you at times. Let life take you, do not drive life. Sometimes however, it becomes necessary, I agree, to take control and set things right, but do not continuously drive it down the smooth concrete road you have built ahead. You will definitely be in for a heart break! Let go!
'Ever after' love is the sort of love that can change from lust to love to longing to need to habit to a hope for ‘ever after’ and can switch forms back and forth. Love is undying, it just changes its meaning now and then. Deal with it and have a great life ever after ! :P
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Flavors and aromas. When I saw the mailer from Aadaab I thought it was a joke. Now what do I make of this peculiar topic and that too it being given so much importance as to eventually become a theme for the next edition. Wow. The content managers must be out of their mind. But after I had let the feeling sink in, I could fathom the rush of thoughts that those two simple words could evoke.
When I asked a friend what comes to his mind on hearing the phrase, he immediately said he could associate a girl standing with a cone of strawberry in her hand. Some imagination. And another friend said he could think of the smell of a woman. A woman? I was surprised. But his explanation was extremely satisfactory. He said there are smells you associate with a person. When you like or hate somebody your mind registers the smell and then you tend to like or hate that smell. And similar smelling things or places arouse memories of the person intended. Interesting. My best friend told me it reminds her of temples. The lingering fragrance of flowers offered and freshly burning incense in the air. In a place like India where flowers are used abundantly in decorations, offerings and adorn women, most of us can relate to that thought.
Now coming to what I make of the phrase. There are some scenes I must relive now.
A village in Kerala. Smoky chimneys. Dusty roads. Cow dung mixed with water sprinkled on verandahs quite liberally. This doesn’t really smell good but it is considered good omen. They actually do it every morning. Ripe overgrown heavy mangoes fallen down because the tree is no more able to bear the weight of its produce. Now this smells heavenly. And hence you can see the squirrels and birds gnawing and pecking away to glory and ants making the long trails carrying tiny bits to their anthills. Here most of the nature is still undisturbed and allowed to thrive. There is a peculiar smell associated with villages that only people who have visited can remember. It is also something you won’t forget.
Paranthe wali Gali, Chandni Chowk, Delhi-6. Ok. this also happens to be a rap song by Akshay Kumar. But the gali is a world in itself and no song can ever do justice to it. The gali is history, right from ancient princes to Mughal Emperors to elaborate wedding processions the gali has witnessed time. I personally recommend the ‘Power of the Paranthas -- Pandit Gaya Shiv Charan’ shop (claimed as first among the lot in 1870s). The board is an impossible miss. The lights, antique shops, ethnic jewellery, the street is teeming with life. But what distinguishes it from the rest of the neighborhood is the aroma of the kaju (cashew nut) stuffed, exotic filled paranthas served with flavored tamarind chutney, mint chutney and melt-in-your-mouth pickle. There are even banana fillings in addition to the regular bhindi (okra), karela (bitter gourd), methi (fenugreek) and mooli (radish) stuffing. A plethora of flavors and aromas that.
A bustling city. People rushing on their daily routine strewn all across, suddenly silenced by the thunder and lightning. Power cut. A city itself halted. The power of nature is huge. Times which remind us that there are some things that we can never control or predict, and yet these times are beautiful. The aroma of rain is not something I can put down in words and I wouldn’t try a fake attempt. But the memories that the smell brings, of love, family get togethers with chai and steaming pakoras, maybe. A family content of being together, a rare treat for urban families. Children running out, adults hasting in. Rains are the best gift of God and must thoroughly be thanked for. Especially because it reminds us that time exists and must be accounted for not just with money but with joy.
Flavors and aromas are not just two words. They are two senses which we use incessantly though not consciously. Next time try and associate a place with its flavors and aromas, probably you‘ll get a head of this article. Good smelling and tasting ahead!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Gushing through the thrills of a long courting period. And have to get back to my daily life...what with all the ceremonies and travelling... it’s been one heck of a month. Will start writing soon… no inspiration as of now and still recovering from the shock of finally getting committed. ;)
Sometimes some things should be forever and the beauty is in the timelessness !
Monday, April 13, 2009
My principles, beliefs, everything is breaking down. It is like this huge wall I had created brick by brick over the past decade has finally crumbled and I’m out into a new world, unfamiliar yet exciting. Hopefully my intuitions will lead me to what’s best for me.
That’s all for now. But will keep you people posted on what’s new! ;)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I am at a stage of life when I think I understand relationships. Or at least at a stage when I can talk about them. At 23 you are supposed to have that much of intellectuality at least. So what I’m talking about here is my theory of relationships... Be it lovers, friends, relatives, colleagues... the x=y theory holds true in most cases.
So what is x=y? x is you. y is the person concerned in the relationship(I’m assuming we have two people in the scene) . So now what is the secret behind a successful relationship? Love, trust, faith, respect and all that. Well you can go and on. But most importantly it’s the expectations you set with each other. When your expectations are not at par with y the equation fails thus becoming a liability or a formality henceforth. Whether its x+3(you are expecting too much), y+3(he/she is expecting too much), x-3(you are not bothered) or y-3(he/she is not bothered), it becomes a flop.
The mantra to a successful equation is setting your priorities right and making your expectations clear. When you have done that and you are ok with what is expected of you and what he/she is ready to give, it works wonders for any relationship. So when you start realizing that someone is not getting their priorities right or is expecting too much of you, don’t run away, it hurts the person concerned and you as well, clear it out, have a chat. Silence never helps a relationship. An honest conversation does. And it makes you a good person inside and outside.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Time to put the words to action!! :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Hmm… so I have bored you people enough with my rants about me and I'm actually sick of talking about myself but because sawan happens to be a dear friend (I have been tagged http://ruffledsoul.blogspot.com/2009/03/taggie.html ) and well if you already don't know me, I'll elaborate.
25 things about ME:
1 I’m a free spirit. I don’t want to be pulled back, held back under no circumstances whatsoever.
2 I‘m extremely sensitive to cultures and religions. I do not appreciate people making a mockery of things like that. Somehow I believe that is part of being civilized.
3 I love to read. It is something I can do night or day, whatever situation I might possibly be in. I love Classics, but I do read all other stuff too.
4 I love shopping. I know that’s extremely typical of being a gal, but that ‘let go’ of your own hard earned money gives you the sort of satisfaction and independence that a million other things can’t. It is actually the emotion here that counts, not the stuff you buy.
5 I love dance. I’m trained classically, but I’m trying to understand the other forms of expression of the same... Hip hop, jazz and so on.
6 I hate music. I cannot listen to more than two songs at a stretch. My head aches terribly if I try. Although it doesn’t happen when I’m dancing. It is sort of weird.
7 I hate crowds, gatherings, parties. I hate meeting new people at such dos and smiling at them irrelevantly. I love spending time alone or with a group of people who matter.
8 I love being creative. Stitching, silly crafts, pot painting etc. I do all kind of silly and messy things but I love that. It seems like some time was used usefully.
9 My favorite song is ’I will follow you into the Dark’ by Death Cab for Cutie.
10 My favorite book is ‘Mill on the Floss’ by George Eliot.
11 I love shahi paneer, paneer tikka, beef and prawns. I hate rice.
12 The motto of my life is ‘Live and Let Live’. This equates to stop bothering about the rest of the world and living your life your way.
13 I believe in God. It is just that I don’t believe that he exists in a million forms. He is a positive presence and he is everywhere.
14 I believe in ghosts and devils too. Obviously if there is a positive energy, there is a negative one too. And I believe in bad omens as well, but I’m not harmfully (to others) superstitious. I love reading astrological predictions althought I do not believe that is 10 on 10 right.
15 I love to write. When I put my thoughts down on paper, the thoughts become more organized inside me and the response is instant and more heartfelt than in a conversation for me.
16 I’m open to criticism but in a positive manner.
17 I don’t like people advising me. I somehow feel nobody is really at a position to be able to advise another human being. Obviously everyone has shortcomings in one situation or the other. Advising should be a guidance based on experience not pushing your thoughts on someone. And in my case that never happens, it is always my final call.
18 I believe in fighting for my rights and for justice. If someone pushes me down, I show them that they can’t and push them back. Obviously they are not better off than me.
19 I appreciate talent. I adore people who believe in themselves and who can bring change to a larger stratum of the society. I wish to be able to do that some day.
20 I love movies. I’m an extreme movie buff. I watch Malayalam, Tamil, Telugu, Hindi and English movies. There is so much talent in the Industry. It is amazing.
21 I love being silent and alone. Staring out at the street. Watching the trees, the birds, and people. There is a story behind everything in the world, every object, every being and that thought is so fulfilling.
22 I’m passionate about stuff I do. My work or anything else there is that I'm involved in.
23 I’m impatient and restless. I believe in improvising, growing, changing. That’s life for me.
24 I get turned off by people easily. When they talk about problems, money, crack baseless poor jokes, nag you constantly, exhibit chauvinism. I can take this once in a while, but overexposure to the same kills my respect for the person. I simply grow out of them and believe me, it’s not my fault.
25 I want to fall in love forever, be able to love forever and be loved forever. God bless me!
Don't know if this helped you know me better :P Hopefully it did.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
A beautiful book
A letter of love
A hot cup of tea
An unexpected gift
A child’s eyes
A friend’s shoulder
A mother’s love
A rainy day
A rose in your garden
A look of appreciation
A faint smile
A bustling colorful road
A collection of old snaps
A touching song
A phone call from a long lost friend
Life’s sweet things cost nothing …
Just time and a small thought to let go and revel
For life is worth living
Friday, February 27, 2009
I have lot of lovely memories of rain like all of you. Some extremely special. I got my first pet during the rains, a rabbit, I ran with him outside to celebrate, forgetting he would get cold and spent the rest of the day nursing him. But his first rain caught to him, we loved rains, me and him. We would sit and watch the rains in the verandah. He loved tea like me and we would drink loads. There is something about a hot cup of tea, pakoras and rain. It’s a heavenly combination. It’s the sort of gratification that a hundred other important or more productive things can’t give you. I met my first crush too in the rains. Just a glance, walking in the rain, me struggling with the umbrella, he getting wet, I almost stared him down and he just turned around straight at me and smiled. Caught unawares, I walked away haughtily, heart thumping but its an innocent moment come and gone and you keep looking for it all your life in vain. Our school farewell was a sad cold rainy January day but all of us were walking around in sleeveless and backless cholies, ignoring the chill, capturing in our hearts the last day of school. In Noida where I grew up, the rains were rare but strong and hails were quite common with the rains. I remember running out with an umbrella with my friends, to the road, which would turn white by then to collect the hailstones and then store them for days in the refrigerator. The stones were white, rounded and clear. Rains in Kerala are beautiful especially because its already so green and lush ,when the rains add to the color, everything looks so rich. In Trivandrum where I did my engineering, it would pour every other day. We would wait hours outside the college gate waiting for buses which wouldn’t stop and autos which wouldn’t move, and chat endlessly, cold and shivering. Those were precious times.
It is a hot day today and it will be another two three months before it starts to rain, and I just can’t wait. Aquarian. Water being. Love water. And Impatient. So it kind of makes things worse. So till it rains, I should probably get distracted with other things.
The rain shall come
And then shall I dance...
On the wet mud
Sinking and glowing...
Rains come and go, but they leave marks that can’t be washed down in a thousand after pours.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I am glad that Rahman has won the Oscars, if not for an Indian Film, but for a film made about India, whether that is real India or not is another matter altogether. Though I don’t agree that ‘Jai Ho’ was the best of the lot. I love Lathika’s theme and the Escape. Gulzar’s lyrics have always been amazing, but its great that he is being recognized on an international stage. I’m actually surprised with Resul Pookutty’s success. Except for the night of the Oscars, I had never even heard that an Indian technician other than Rahman had been nominated, but that’s because we were perhaps following Freida Pinto’s designer wears? Lathika was mediocre, but Freida definitely stunning. Finally Indians have a sense of fashion, I was praying she wouldn’t end up in a saree to show the so called ‘Indian tradition’ like the likes of Shilpa Shetty and Aishwarya. The dress was though a little too angelic, although apt for her lovely smile, it added years to her, she could have tried something more young and bold.
I was disappointed with Jennifer Aniston though. She looked brilliant with that hairdo, but where was the catfight we were all waiting to see? Have we reached the stage of smiling at the woman who steals your husband right under your nose? Hmm.. Guess ‘moving on’ is the rule of the day. And John Mayer looked so cute. Angelina looked a million bucks with her eye popping emeralds and that with the black dress 10 on 10. Brad Pitt looked stooped and perhaps sidelined by an overwhelming partner. And if those spilt rumors are true, then Jen is definitely having the last laugh! Hugh Jackman started the show on a great note, the item witty and amazingly choreographed, there was so much order, the flow from one scene to the other was beautifully done. I think he’ll stop getting ‘Wolverine’ roles now, but he has a lot of scope as the next hero of ‘Enchanted’. Penelope Cruz looked princess like in the vintage gown she was in. Oh.. and Amy Adams multicolored beaded neckpiece was actually creative. Anne Hathaway’s back brooch impressive. Heath Ledger was perhaps the most deserving winner of the night, his family truly looks quite close knit and warm. I guess it’s great to leave and still be remembered so much. Rahman’s and John Legend’s jugalbandhi bit was a masterpiece. I loved the last piece when the five former winners were called on stage to present the best actor and actress awards. Some nomination announcements were genuinely moving. Sophia Loren’s low cut frills was uncalled for, a sad attempt to look young. Meryl Streep, the lady is so enchanting, I really thought she will win, though the awardee in fact quite deserved the honor, after being nominated five times for extremely endearing performances. I love her in ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind’. Sean Penn’s speech was awesome, I actually thought he was emotionless, he even forgot to kiss his wife.
I’m not sure if they’ll be telecasting the whole show again, but if you do get a chance, do watch it. A very sophisticated and stylishly done show. Hollywood is after all Hollywood.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The colors were blinding that night…
the darkness fading...
The voice held all captive
The gold compelling on stage...
the silver shimmered
The green surprisingly potent
the rust anxious
The blue mellowed
the pink cutesy
The brass rambled...
the grey twirled
The bronze rehearsed
the black mesmerized the onlookers and us... one fumbled...
The togetherness raw but convincing
We changed something in the air that day...
We added a page to our lives...
A page we would go back and wonder over... smile and giggle about...
That is fashion for us... inherent yet labored
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thanks to all my friends who wrote to me, called me and wished me on my b’ day... It means a lot to me, really.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Slow is the droplet grazing down the glass sill...
Slow is how my lips part as I look at it
The sun draws colors I haven't seen before
With growing awe I catch it in my palm
And taste it with my tongue…
And lo! It’s gone!
Killing the moment forever
The rain fell many a times after
But that droplet of yore it never came back…
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Some sure shot ways of becoming extinct thus being happy- (This is meant for people who love their private space, who wouldn’t compromise with it, for the rest... Wow…You have an easy life!! )
1. Find a place where nobody knows you and stay there. Importantly relatives.
2. Stop attending unnecessary parties, whether on a personal or professional front.
3. Talk to people, just don’t give out your number to every Tom, Dick and Harry. If you don’t talk, you can be classified as weird and well that isn’t such a good idea.
4. Be a good team player. Interact, but leave your professional interactions at office, don’t take them to a personal level. This can be a little difficult at first, but with time, you’ll become good at this.
5. Know people you are required to know. Keep relationships that are useful. This might sound selfish, but believe me, it’s good in the long run.
6. Call people when you want to. And when you don’t want to, don’t answer. This is a sure shot way of pissing people. They’ll eventually stop trying. That’s good in a way, cos it can be quite a pain when someone calls you and you are not exactly in the state of mind when you would want to talk. And when you want to call back, make excuses, you still have friends. (Don’t kill me :P I do this when I really want to be alone, which is like 90% of the times. Luckily for me, most of my friends understand.)
7. Even with close friends, its good to keep a certain level of distance, don’t share 100% of your life with anybody. Keep some stuff with you.
8. Don’t give anyone the freedom to be able to say anything to you. Especially advices. Make sure you get them only when asked. Listen, but make it clear that you are not looking for a solution. Find one yourself.
9. Indulge in hobbies and interests which lesser people take up. Like pole dancing, welding, black magic, stuff like that. You‘ll discover that most of the people in the class with you will be weirdoes hence easier invisibility. Even reading works, since this doesn’t require a second party.
10. Call people you are not likely to meet, far friends. You meet less, your bond grows stronger. And then when you do meet sometimes, it is beautiful.
11. Hang out with people you genuinely like, don’t follow the rut and stay with a crowd for the sake of being in a group. It is better being alone than forcing yourself to forgive, forget and ignore 24 7.
12. Try to stick with a smaller group, even if you have one. Lesser people, lesser networking.
13. Try and gel with most of the crowd. Resistance gets you noticed. But of course, if things don’t work out your way, you must react, even if it gets you some flak.
14. Do things you really want to do. Don’t keep them for tomorrow. If you want to sleep 20 hours, do it today. If you want to bunk office and watch a movie, do it.
15. Don’t make promises. Coffee, movie no nothings. If you really feel like it, call someone who’ll come on a short notice, better still, go alone.
16. Spend some hard earned cash. It’s a great energy booster. You feel wonderful and light at heart.
Life isn’t about drinking, partying or screaming attention, it’s about enjoying what you do. If a book gives you pleasure, fuck the crowd, get a cup of coffee and get started.