Out-Of-Focus

Haven’t logged in for ages... no apologies people! Have been working my ass off!! Data marts is an inexplicably tiring job.

Well... not a great excuse. We all work don’t we? But of course nothings worth giving up this space for.

I have been writing though and quite a lot. Stuff which I’ll shed light on later. Also I’m working for our office newsletter and though I’m sure not a lot of people read it, even though we have counters in place which don’t give a sad number(majorly doubt the counter), a lot of content published is worth reading. If we didn’t have copyright issues I would have pasted them headlong here but sadly copyright very much exists! So if any of you office people are reading this space, get back and have a look at the archives.

Getting to the real deal, I guess things change when you get committed in life. For the better I secretly hope. I guess you are supposed to feel a certain stability in life when you are getting married. I mean that’s how I would like it. But I guess it is not happening for me. I feel pretty much directionless right now. He is a great guy but I figure I’m not great enough. I have known that for a long time now. I mean I have always been a very non- giving sort of person, but I guess that’s not the real problem. He is leaving the country and I’m supposed to follow later (after the marriage). But I’m not too keen to. I love here. I love this life and I’m entirely happy here. I do not want to be uprooted to another place. I would feel extremely insecure. But at the same time I do not want to be prejudiced about going to a new place... I mean what if I like it??! (which is next to impossible!!)

Four months back, though I was in an on and off relationship and pretty much clueless about my status, I had a direction. I knew where I was heading, not necessarily, at least I knew that I was here and I had things planned for the future. Like stuff in my to-learn list. There was this dance class I wanted to go to very badly (I promised a friend), but there is hardly any time now, and what can I possibly learn in 5 months… though I’m seriously going to give that a try. And I wanted to learn candle- making. I even checked out the class and the place, but couldn’t go. You know what I mean… you lose focus. Things you want to do take a backseat because there are tons of new things to do, which are far more important. And I’m not entirely sure that’s good.

But I have a plan! I’m going to get more focused and do the millions of pending stuff I’ve got to do before Feb 7(the D-day). Also I’m going to give the States a try… I can always come back if I don’t like the place. I’m going to keep that option open and plunge. Somehow knowing it is not the only alternative makes you more relaxed. That works for absolutely everything in life.

For all the kind hearted and patient friends who have been calling me and mailing me in spite of me being stubborn and nonresponsive, I love you people, it is just that when I’m in a mess I can’t let people in.

So guys I’ll get back to this space feeling more in control of my life. I promise!