Friday, September 19, 2008

love and marriage

I didn't plan to put up this post but since my blogger friend Sawan here happened to talk about a very interesting topic, something that was originally a comment to his post and turned out to be too long became this post. So if you want to know what I'm talking about, please refer the post below.

Very interesting indeed :)

But somehow I don't believe in arranged marriages. I don't believe I can share my life, my emotions with somebody I get to judge on the basis of talking to for a half hour something. Being a very closed person, though this might be quite a surprising thing to say to people who know me, I talk a lot about myself, even to strangers, but then I choose what to talk and how I want to appear to somebody. Cos I talk a lot, I don't become open right? I have been part of this ‘meeting the boy ritual’ and it only embarrassed me. I felt like I was giving a job interview and simultaneously conducting one. What can I get to know about someone in half an hour? When after years of being together sometimes I can't understand my friends completely, friends who are my lifelines, what can I possibly gauge in 30 minutes? What if he turns out to be a complete maniac? (ok…that was an exaggeration :D)

Arranged marriages are for people who are scared to take decisions, scared to fall in love, scared to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. Pardon me for the harsh reality, but this statement is irrefutable. It’s just not possible that at 20+ you've never had any feelings for anybody or haven't had someone who really cares about you, but of course it’s up to you what you choose to do about the same. It’s not that I think love marriages will work either...but I want to take responsibility for what I do in my life...most of all my marriage. M not ready to give away that one decision to anybody. When I get married one day, I know it’s going to be with someone I've known for a long time... someone who I really care about.

But yes commitment is something in your head, you can be in love, in marriage and still not be committed.

There’s something I feel strongly about marriage, and since you've brought up this topic here I'll mention it. If you've lived all your life letting your parents or whoever else it may be to take decisions for you, at least take this one yourself. It’s probably the last chance for you to do anything for owe it you. Plunging into marriage for your parent's happiness (like many friends tell me) is the stupidest thing I've heard. I think every parent is just skeptic about their child's future and they have every right to be, but it’s your duty to make them realize that you know exactly what you are doing, and if you can do that, you'll be the happiest person alive and have the happiest parents too. But of course like Sawan says, if you think you are ready to take the decision not for anybody but yourself, whether arranged or in love, go ahead and do what’s best for you.

And yes, I don't know if you would understand this but it’s the nicest thing you can do to yourself by falling in love, and when it doesn't work out or leaves you hurt, don't lose hope in love. Love doesn't have to happen once or be the final one, be in love simply for the pleasure and the stability it brings to your life. Be in love for no other reason than your own happiness. There’s this book 'Message in a bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. It’s not about undying love, it’s about being able to love again and again, it’s one of the most touching books I've read. If you haven't yet, read the book and you'll know what I'm talking about, but then if you've been in love even once, you can relate to the experience the author draws.


sawan said...

athi.... now thats how u prove u r unpredictable in ur actions! :-)

tell me that u r a gemini and i wud trust u!!

well, i almost agree to all statements in this post except a very few. and i dont intent to disturb the beauty of this post by pinpointing my differences. i am not sure how u interpreted my post. i agree to whatever u told about love.. its indeed beautiful. and i sincerely wish everyone find one.

when i supported arranged marriages, my intentions were not to degrade love marriage or to support the "parent's judgment" as it is seen! ofcourse if the "love" brings u the hatred of ur parents, i wud ring the bells of caution..

simply put - i have answer to the qns : why does an arranged marriage fail? The ans is: Because the couple never knew each other. the brides parents thought he was a good guy and he turned out to be a wife beating lunatic! vice versa included.. bitch about ur parents decision for hours..

now help me find an answer for this : why does a love marriage fail?
Ans: he/she was not like this before. this is not my guy.. he changed! our chemistry simply din workout! these days we find too many financially independent career oriented wives filing for divorces! not the fault of the era. its just that the society changed. now a single mother is accepted with all respects in schools, same story in workplace and other walks of life! life is much more "practical" these days.. choices are more.. if u dont like me, fine.. move on.. there are people who like me!! i am sure - if that attitude was injected in our parents, many of us would have seen then at different homes now! how wud have that affected us?

when someone talks about love - why is it the guy and the girl the only people in picture? why is the "family" part missing? why is the society missing? argue that love is something for people who are not scared of society! bollywood could not have done worse with all those soap cinemas.. wake up.. think of a life with zero dependence with society. how is ur decision going to affect ur kids? u dont have to give me an answer.. atleast try to find one for urself.. its not about india or our culture.. its about human beings and their dependance with fellow beings..

ofcourse yes, i dont agree to the idea of marrying strangers.. and i seriously dont think half an hour is time enuf to understand a person.. people, agree it or not.. "seeing the guy/girl" ritual is only to analyze the physique of the guy/girl. wheather he/she talks good.. how does he/she look in real compared to photos.. lets see the house.. howz her relatives.. the projected purpose seldom works out.. its actually after this ritual that u start knowing each other.. now a days parents are giving much more time to their kids.. engagements happen months aftr the ritual.. this time sure is bonus..

having said that.. i see no advantages in a love marriage over an arranged marriage.. set aside the kiddish argument that u know the guy/girl better.. how better? if u really want the guy to be ur love, u wud make sure that u r at ur best wen u r with him. same with the guy.. giving flame to another controversy - i do agree that there is nothing better than a love marriage if the "love" involves a "live-in" relationship.. reasons.. u got them.. how much cud u fake wen u live together..??

sawan said...

wo.. was the comment a lil loooong.. :-(

athi said...

i m a true aquarius... water being :)

wat u sed bot seeing the guy/gal ritual is completely true.. but wat i find a put off in d situ is dat u get d feelin dat u r preparin urself to fall in love wid sumbody bcos he/she happens to b from ur religion, caste n sumbody ur parents approve of. Ders nodin wrong wid d same, bt dats compromisin on ur life, its lik u knoe u cant find sumbody bttr, not xactly bttr, bt sumbody u rly like. If u prepare urself to fall in love, u can, n m not sayin it wun wurk out. Bt cant u close ur eyes n thk of one person u wud rly want to b wid, sumbody who wud stimulate ur thoughts n actions, sumbody who u wud do d craziest of things for? Now dats love!

'if u really want the guy to be ur love, u wud make sure that u r at ur best wen u r with him.' dats not rly true bud, cos its possible to fake for a few days, even months, bt it isnt easy to carry on d duodrama forever.
p.s. m not talkin bot blind love, m not talkin bot d kind of affairs wer u dun present ur true self to sumbody, wen u r cheatin on sumone, wen u r actually takin pains to fake.

M talkin bot d kind of love dat happens wen u lik sumone simply for wat dey r, wen religion, caste, financial status or oder differnces dunt matter. N dis kind of love s bot being der for each oder, not dependant necessarily, bt choosin to stay on. Wen u find love lik dat y wud anybody want to move on?

sawan said...

man, u r desperate in love... :-)
who ever the guy is, m quite sure he would be very lucky!

no harsh words on love. ofcourse if u have someone in mind, go for it.. i wud definitely weigh ur choice above the choice of ur parents.

the soul purpose i wrote the post is to tell people not to be embarassed about opening up to an arranged marriage. Again, i never asked anyone to dump their luv and line up behind their folks..

barriers like caste doesnt really come up in love.. agreed.. i dont promote social barriers.. if inter caste marriages sounds liberal to u, go ahead! all i am trying to tell is IF u r ready for an arranged marriage, y dont you do it the traditional way? fighting with ur folks on conditions is you really dont have a guy/girl in mind makes no sense.

ground rule: if u have some one in mind - go ahead.. if u dont have someone in mind - crying that u wud marry only after finding someone all urself is childish.. come out of the world of fantasy.. not every honeymoon would be funded by producers!!

sawan said...

ooops.. forgot to add this:

"its lik u knoe u cant find sumbody bttr, not xactly bttr, bt sumbody u rly like. "

dont u smell a tint of ego in ur words? marriage is no competition babey.. ur parents doesnt score daughnut points over u by giving u choices!

athi said...

lik i sed if u r incapable of fallin in love :)....go ahed wid d arranged marriage option.

N point to be noted...m not desperate in love... i love love. I love d idea of love. N every post here doesn't have to necessarily imply things bot my life, i m simply assimilating my thoughts here.

N i never sed ego ws a bad thing :P

pari said...

I think we are writing all this keeping in mind the educated class of India in 21st century and in that case, the norms of our society have improved ( thank God for that ! ) Today, arranged marriage no longer means meeting the guy for half an hour and getting engaged to him in the next 3 days. I have seen plenty of couples in successful arranged marriages and trust me, their relatives or parents had only the role of introducing the two to each other. The rest was completely their choice. Many parents are sensible enough to be receptive towards their child's feeling and will understand when their kid says no to their suggested match or when he/she wants to understand the person better before saying yes.

Look...if a girl's friend introduces her to a guy at some club and she eventually falls in luv with him and gets married, we give it the title of "love marriage". If the same crime of introduction is committed by our parents, we look down upon it as "arranged marriage". I don't think that's fair!

I know the scene was different 30 years ago but in today's modern section of society, arranged marriages are also love marriages where the couple is head over heels in love and knows each other quiet well before taking the vows or signing up a certficate at registrar's office. They have not been forced into it ! Their relationship is their decision and most importantly, their responsibility.

athi said...

@pari wow.....i never thot bot it dat way... :) thanx for dat angle. Bt to say dat d norms of d 'educated class of India in 21st century' society hav changed entirely is not quite true. U mite b few of d lucky cases dear. I know of a lot of ppl who are well educated and still do silly things to force deir children to marry ppl of deir choice. Sumhw I 'v seen dat wen d marriage scenario appears , cool parents suddenly bcome extremely uncool. Anyways i have nothin against arranged marriages, its just dat d final decision shud b urs. Watevr u do, do it for urself.

rarvin said...

words of mastery, something i truly agree to

amit nambiar >> said...

when i saw the topic, i thought it was yet another love vs arranged debate, then after when i read sawan's post, and read through ur's not ignoring the comments which followed, i felt it was worth reading, i loved that 'message in a bottle' angle of love. you should not miss the movie 'message in a bottle' - kevin costner & robin wright.

i have no rights to comment on this post, as my opinion changes on this topic, almost every time I think of it. and even now, I have a dual mind!

good piece of writing.