the ship

I had a ship
when I was seven
It was wooden and yellow
with a mast and a white breezy sail
I would play with it everyday
dream that I would own one someday
a ship that would take me to places I had read about in books
I would find treasure in a lonely island
or maybe I would shipwreck and join the pirates
or better still live on the island and not have to go to school
like Tom and Huckleberry Finn
no homework and no cleaning up
just me on a beautiful island
I would eat coconuts and fish
and I would stock up food for the winters
and make a woodhouse on a tall tree
Wow what a life!
Some days back I found it again
lying in the storeroom
buried deep inside my toys
and then I dreamt the dream all over again
but this time I wasn't alone
I was with my love
The ship was now a yacht
and the island had people and shops
the woodhouse was a villa
and I would clean up and cook
I would wait for him to return from work
and then we would sit together and look
at each other
at dreams in those eyes
And then I would see the ship again longing to be shipwrecked on a lonely island..
longing to be alone together..
the dream never did stop

love and marriage

I didn't plan to put up this post but since my blogger friend Sawan here happened to talk about a very interesting topic, something that was originally a comment to his post and turned out to be too long became this post. So if you want to know what I'm talking about, please refer the post below.

http://ruffledsoul.blogspot.com/2008/09/love-marriage.html

Very interesting indeed :)

But somehow I don't believe in arranged marriages. I don't believe I can share my life, my emotions with somebody I get to judge on the basis of talking to for a half hour something. Being a very closed person, though this might be quite a surprising thing to say to people who know me, I talk a lot about myself, even to strangers, but then I choose what to talk and how I want to appear to somebody. Cos I talk a lot, I don't become open right? I have been part of this ‘meeting the boy ritual’ and it only embarrassed me. I felt like I was giving a job interview and simultaneously conducting one. What can I get to know about someone in half an hour? When after years of being together sometimes I can't understand my friends completely, friends who are my lifelines, what can I possibly gauge in 30 minutes? What if he turns out to be a complete maniac? (ok…that was an exaggeration :D)

Arranged marriages are for people who are scared to take decisions, scared to fall in love, scared to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. Pardon me for the harsh reality, but this statement is irrefutable. It’s just not possible that at 20+ you've never had any feelings for anybody or haven't had someone who really cares about you, but of course it’s up to you what you choose to do about the same. It’s not that I think love marriages will work either...but I want to take responsibility for what I do in my life...most of all my marriage. M not ready to give away that one decision to anybody. When I get married one day, I know it’s going to be with someone I've known for a long time... someone who I really care about.

But yes commitment is something in your head, you can be in love, in marriage and still not be committed.

There’s something I feel strongly about marriage, and since you've brought up this topic here I'll mention it. If you've lived all your life letting your parents or whoever else it may be to take decisions for you, at least take this one yourself. It’s probably the last chance for you to do anything for yourself...you owe it you. Plunging into marriage for your parent's happiness (like many friends tell me) is the stupidest thing I've heard. I think every parent is just skeptic about their child's future and they have every right to be, but it’s your duty to make them realize that you know exactly what you are doing, and if you can do that, you'll be the happiest person alive and have the happiest parents too. But of course like Sawan says, if you think you are ready to take the decision not for anybody but yourself, whether arranged or in love, go ahead and do what’s best for you.

And yes, I don't know if you would understand this but it’s the nicest thing you can do to yourself by falling in love, and when it doesn't work out or leaves you hurt, don't lose hope in love. Love doesn't have to happen once or be the final one, be in love simply for the pleasure and the stability it brings to your life. Be in love for no other reason than your own happiness. There’s this book 'Message in a bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. It’s not about undying love, it’s about being able to love again and again, it’s one of the most touching books I've read. If you haven't yet, read the book and you'll know what I'm talking about, but then if you've been in love even once, you can relate to the experience the author draws.

crossroad

When I look at you
I see myself happy and content forever
When I look at them
I see myself loved and pampered then
When I look in the mirror now
I see myself confused and disappointed
wondering how I reached here
wondering where to go...
knowing one path will give me your love and their hatred
where probably I'll lose myself forever
The other will let me remain me
I'll have everything and everybody like today
but without your love I'll suffocate
living for others... living just a life
I know what to do
and where it'll take me
I have known for a long time now
but somehow today when the choice is before me
I'm scared and alone
Perhaps this is a crossroad
and I'll be fine whichever way I go
but I'll always live in one thinking where the other would have led me
I'll still be alone in a different world

tete-a-tete

Gia stared at the number on her phone. The name Irfan made no sense either. But it was in her contacts. Obviously she had added it there. So who was this? And why couldn’t she remember? Earlier the numbers were easy to identify on the first 4 numbers basis. 9886 was Blore.9846 Kerala. 9810 Delhi. Now though it was impossible. The telecom companies have generated numbers which by no ways, you racking your brains, can find out the origin. She decided to call.

'Irfan?' she enquired hesitantly.

'Yeah that’s me. Gia? How you doing babe?' spoke the male voice from the other end.

' Uh..oh.. am fine. How are you?'

It is pretty embarrassing when someone remembers you and you don’t. You don’t know what to say, cos you are scared of people classifying you as a snob. Gia wasn’t a snob though.

' I’m doing great dear. So how’s shweta? Haven’t heard from you both a long time now.'

'Oh..shweta is good. She’s pretty busy nowadays. Even I don’t see much of her.'

So he knew shweta. Is this someone from college? Could be. Some junior maybe.

'Oh...right. That dance research should be taking the hell out of her. But well that’s what she always wanted to do, and am glad she is so involved.'

'Oh..yeah..so how have you been Irfan? And what are you doing now?'Uh..oh...mistake?

'Me...am doing the same that I have been doing for 2 years now. The reason why you got pissed off with me, remember?'

'Me..? I was pissed off with you?'

'Well...yeah.. I guess. At least that’s the idea I got when you suddenly started avoiding me. I thought you didn’t like me writing. I wasn’t able to give you much time babe. But I have missed you so much. I never thought you would call me ever.'

F*** how could she forget Irfan. This was not cool. How can you forget a boyfriend. Even though they had been together for only about three months, they had been pretty close. In the beginning, his writing a book had seemed like a novel idea, but as the days tagged along, she got frustrated with the apartment littered with papers crushed into balls, dirty coffee mugs, unwashed clothes, unpaid bills..the book always seemed to be on a higher priority level than everything else, even her, so she finally bid adieu. Well that’s what she told herself to escape the guilt of deserting him. Its strange how things that you find attractive and actually perk your interest , tend to become monotonous and irritating with time. It was the writer that wooed her and the writer she had left.

'So you finished the book?'

'Oh..yeah.. and it bombed big-time. The publishers were not ready to risk money on a book about animals. Human emotions sell. Animals don’t. Well I wasn’t to be convinced and kept trying. Anyways after a year I gave up the struggle and started writing for the newspaper. I cover page 3 events. Zero creativity but good bucks. So that’s how I’m right now.'

'Oh..that’s sad. But I’m glad you survived the battle though and finally decided to become practical.'

'Oh...was that a dig on me?'

'Hey...no..I was genuinely appreciating you yaar.'

'Oh..ok...so how have you been? Two years..long time.'

'Yea..I just switched jobs recently. I’m working with the Oberoi now. Hectic work. Decent pay. But there is lots to learn and am loving it.'

'That’s great. Oberois are one of the best in the country.'

'Yea...truly. They are one of the oldest too. I feel really lucky to be with them. I want to open my own restaurant someday. ' Cos that’s the reason why I ran away from you. Your career meant giving up mine. Irfan was not the kind of guy she ever expected to come up with a lot of capital, and with him writing books, she would forever be covering his dues.

‘Oh…that’s nice Gia. I’ll pray that your dreams come true.’

Now she had saved a lot of money. Probably three years down the line, she would be able make her dreams a reality. Choosing to become single had paid off. But today she had almost forgotten Irfan. Not that she chose to remember him.

'Ok then Irfan I have got to hang up. It was nice talking to you after so long. Try and keep in touch.'

'Sure. I will. Say hi to shweta for me will ya?'

'Sure'

There...it ended ,the conversation between two former lovers, now acquaintances. It would probably need another memory loss to get back and dial that number again. But that’s how we are, we move on. I often think about my schoolmates, neighbors, former friends, some are vague memories, some faces and others just names and wonder what they would be doing, where they would be, although if I meet any I would probably not know them at all. Sometimes I go on a dialing spree and call up all the numbers on my cell, just to find out how everyone is faring, which is like twice or thrice a year, but that’s it. There were people I remember I couldn’t bear not talking to, even for a day, but with time our dependency decreases. Today I feel I can probably live without another being. Being independent is definitely cool, like being single, but sometimes I feel a void inside me, as if there is nothing purposeful in what I do except for the materialistic goals. When you are small, you want to grow up and leave home, become independent. All your life you run away from people, not cos you don’t want to stop, but cos you don’t want to be behind. You think there will come a time when you can stop and revel in what you have achieved. But when you reach there, which is years later, the entire effort seems futile. The world is pretty small, they say. But large enough definitely, to lose your relatives, friends, even lovers in the crowd. We really have become really small.

selfish

If loving is forgiving
Maybe I'm void of love..
Cos I can't close my eyes and let go everytime
Its hurts this way
But if I turn my back on you
It hurts me more..
I'm selfish dear
And that why I'm still with you

search

When my love falters...
Blame me not
My heart is innocent
My soul a wanderer
Forever in search of the unseen unfelt
Desires to be gratified
Dreams to be fulfilled
A discovery which never will happen
Of happiness? I have plenty...
At least I know there is no grief..
Then why don't I stop here with you
I want to stay but I can't... I can't..
There is something I have to find..