thinking

I’ve constantly been in and out of relationships for the past many years, and every time I reach a stage when I’m giving up myself, I guess it happens at some point of time in every relationship, I freeze and then I pull back. I wonder if people like me exist or am I the only one missing that light? I have this long list of expectations to be fulfilled, which is humanely impossible for any guy to accomplish and though I know that, and I wonder ‘why would somebody do all that for me?’ ,I just cannot cut down that list. I’m not made to be with a man, I’m too selfish and insecure. I guess all gals are to a certain extent, but I’ like at the very peak of it. I’m also very unforgiving, like I can pretend I’m not thinking about your mistakes, but this sick worm inside me keeps eating away my feelings. Being loyal is also extremely difficult, I try really hard at times, I totally give myself away, but then one wrong step from him and I’m like ‘what the f***? He doesn’t deserve it.’ Marriage is like an extreme end for me ‘Kill me. If there’s anything left, wed my body, let the soul die.’ Sometimes it bothers me why I can’t be like other gals, giving and patient and so loving, or is it that everyone is putting up pretence? I have this thick skinned conscience which lets me walk away from people like nothing ever happened. I can cry myself out of love, every time there is a break up, I cry and those tears wash away all my feelings. Maybe I’m hard, but I can’t pretend to be guilty when I’m not. I have hurt many and been hurt many a time too. Every time you move out, you feel so much in control, it’s like you were in maze and struggling to find a way, and you’re suddenly out and free, but a few days like that, and then this ‘being’ inside you yearns for love and you’ re back on the same track. There is so much to do, so much to feel and explore, and the burden of another is too much to bear. And yet, I get up one morning and like every other gal in this universe, long to love and be loved.