Musings

Do you feel closed, unhappy at times, even if you have everything you ever desired all around you, but still futile in a sense. Does it all seem meaningless, worthless. What if it was easy to run away from everything for a while knowing you can come back and just be normal again. But thats not easy. When you leave, you leave for real, thats the hard part, and you can't come back, maybe you wouldn't even want to, but thats something else. But don't you wonder sometimes if another path would have been more green, more colorful, more calming.

But thats life, you always live here thinking you can be somewhere else, or maybe you work towards putting yourself at that place you desire at some point of time, hoping for a better tomorrow like we all say. But we are a funny race, we reminisce the past and wonder about the future, but we almost never live here, now. Oh,.. only if that was that easy to achieve. If you could block out everything and just be here. Maybe people who can achieve that can be happy, I guess thats what all these 'supposed highs' do, they help you block out?!

Often, especially when you are alone, everything feels so surreal. Try sitting for an hour, with nothing to do. Its impossible to not go into past mode, it just almost always happens. When I look back now, those hard times seem silly and easy, makes me wonder what the whole big deal was about, but I guess exams are difficult on a child, heartbreak on a teenager, jobs on a graduate, they are all difficult at those phases, perhaps I will think later when I'm 40 that 20's was easy. But its funny how you never think like that when you are there. We are always trying to go back in time some sense.... to native towns, to childhood, to being single, to previous jobs, or looking forward to go to new places, get married, have kids, and to newer opportunities. But why can’t we revel here, with what we have, with the present. Why is that so difficult? Is that because we think so much, we keep craving for things we don’t have ,or is it because we are genuinely not happy. Perhaps time will tell.

Whatever

Lots of times when people dont like you or are rude, you wonder if there is anything actually wrong with you. That is a natural thing to do. But then when you try and try and it doesn't work , and when you see the other person has no friends, you realize that you aren't the one to blame. Its just pure bad luck that they have to deal with you and you have to deal with them. I guess fighting it out doesn't work. You can't make anyone like you, especially people who harbor grudges for apparently no reason, especially not people who love to see you restless and confused. Who have basically no idea why they do that too.

I hate the sort of people who just call up one day and are all lovey dovey to you and the next time when you call, for no reason just behave rudely. You need to stick to one thing. You can't be rude and expect me to be to be nice to you later. There has to be an apology and well.. there are limits you can't cross in any relationship.

Abuse is not pardonable.. never. This message is especially for one person.. the next time you want to be rude you remember who you're dealing with. I wish I was crazy like you and could say the things you say so easily, but I have my dignity. And that is far more important than winning a lame fight. Don't mistake silence for weakness, its only the respect that I'm giving to our relationship which will stay whether you like it or not. Stop testing my patience. Don't say I didn't warn you ! :)

A Dedication

Rude words dont bog me down dear
they only make me stronger...
and because you say them without thinking
they only make you guilty.
I dont live in a world of glass
that you can shatter with a swish
it'll take more than that.. much more
because my world is built on my dreams.
I dont live in pretence nor denial
my pity to those who do..
Why would you push me down so hard
if you could stand up on your own??
There are all your answers
and there will be no more.. none !